Redefining Happiness

Happiness is often discussed as a feeling of contentment, joy or pleasure. It’s a common theme in self-help books, TED Talks and even the U.S. Declaration of Independence, but what exactly is happiness? And is the way we talk about it today helping us get closer to it, or is it setting us up for disappointment? The myths surrounding happiness can leave us feeling stuck, frustrated and ashamed as they create unrealistic expectations about how we should be. Perhaps it’s time to rethink what happiness really is, what it’s not and how we can redefine it to live a life we want to live.

Myth 1: Happiness is the Natural State for Human Beings

One of the most common myths is the idea that happiness should be a permanent, natural state. It’s tempting to believe that if we have enough food, money, shelter, loving relationships and Target gift cards, happiness will naturally follow. “If I just get X, Y, Z, then I’ll finally be happy.” Unfortunately, this isn’t how human emotions work. The human experience is not one of constant joy or bliss. Sometimes we feel joy, but we can also feel sorrow, fear, anger and even multiple emotions at the same time, like a “happy cry.” These emotional ups and downs are an inherent part of being human and completely normal. 

Happiness isn’t about maintaining a perpetual state of euphoria, but about accepting the ebb and flow of emotions as part of life, just like the tides or clouds drifting through the sky. For example, we wouldn’t say that the natural state of the weather is a warm spring day with clear skies because sometimes it’s winter and it's appropriate that it gets cold, or it’s summer and it makes sense for it to be hot. Ultimately no weather lasts forever. To hold onto the weather, or happiness, is just as futile as trying to hold onto a cloud or a beam of sunlight. Without trying to judge them or push them away, just let the emotions be there. Feeling the full range of emotions that you were gifted with is actually one of the truest ways to be a human being!

Myth 2: If You’re Not Happy, Something’s Wrong With You

The second myth is tied to the first: if happiness is supposed to be our natural state, then not feeling happy must mean something is wrong with us. Many people feel ashamed when they don’t experience constant happiness or when they see others (often on social media) looking happy all the time. This belief that there’s something “defective” about not always feeling happy leads to unnecessary shame and frustration.

But the reality is that human life is difficult and sometimes painful. It’s filled with highs and lows, successes, setbacks and tripups. There is nothing “broken,” “defective” or “unnatural” about feeling sad, lonely or anxious. The human brain is actually wired for survival, not for constant happiness. It’s normal to experience times of uncertainty and discomfort. In fact, it’s often through navigating these exact challenges that we grow and find meaning as we are forced to reflect on who we are and what we truly value.

Myth 3: Happiness Means Feeling Only “Good” Emotions

Another common misconception is that happiness is synonymous with feeling only “good,” pleasant emotions. In reality, there are no “good” or “bad” emotions. There are some emotions we like or that feel nice, some we don’t like or make us uncomfortable and some that we feel neutral towards. All emotions serve a function. They help us move into action, communicate to others, and communicate to ourselves. But when we try to avoid emotions just because they don’t feel good, we’re missing out on the inherent wisdom and knowledge that the emotion may be trying to bring to our awareness.

Many people equate happiness with a constant state of contentment or pleasure, thinking that if they could just stay in this state, they would be happy forever. However, this view of happiness is a trap because emotions are inherently transient, therefore, there is no hope for lasting happiness, and trying to avoid negative emotions just leads to more suffering and self-criticism.

To quote Russ Harris, a clinician and the author of The Happiness Trap, perhaps we can redefine happiness as living a "rich, full and meaningful life." This means experiencing the full range of human emotion by being willing to embrace not only the joy, but also the sadness, fear and frustration that comes with living on planet Earth and being a human. Happiness is not a perpetual state but an ongoing process of action and living a life aligned with your values, despite the inevitable challenges that arise.

This month Looking Glass Counseling is proud to support The Somerville Homeless Coalition (SHC). The SHC transforms lives by providing services, support, resources and housing to over 7,400 individuals and households. SHC’s emergency response programs include an Adult Shelter, Food Program and supportive services. Their housing programs involve Homeless Prevention and providing Affordable Housing with home-based Supportive Services to the most at-risk homeless individuals and families in our community.

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Sakura Matsuno holds a Bachelors in Psychology and is currently working towards her Masters of Social Work degree from Boston College. She has experience working in inpatient, residential and community settings with individuals struggling with anxiety, depression and OCD. Sakura has also interned at a skilled nursing facility, serving individuals with dementia and their families.

Sakura believes in a collaborative, client-centered approach in order to meet each individual's unique needs because everyone's journey in life, and in therapy, is unique to them. She aims to create a space where a person's story can be witnessed with compassion and dignity by honoring their personal experience and inherent wisdom.

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