Building Secure Connections in Consensual Non-Monogamy

Studies show that Consensual Non-Monogamy (CNM) relationships are just as likely to be healthy, committed and satisfying as monogamous ones, and sometimes even more communicative and emotionally skilled (Rubel & Bogaert, 2015). A large-scale survey found that people in CNM relationships reported higher levels of honest communication and lower levels of secrecy compared to monogamous couples (Conley et al., 2013). This could be because CNM partners are often more intentional about boundary negotiation, emotional check-ins and conflict repair which are all key ingredients of relational security.

Still, CNM dynamics can sometimes come with unique communication challenges pertaining to jealousy, balancing shared time, shifting agreements and fear of exclusion. Here are four suggestions to help build secure connections within CNM relationships: 

1. Normalize and Name Jealousy…Don’t Shame It

Jealousy can come up in any relationship and when there are more people involved there can be more chances for jealousy to arise. It’s not a sign that something is “wrong” just that something needs to be addressed in the relationship dynamic. Jealousy often signals an underlying attachment need or a need for reassurance, safety or closeness. No matter the cause, to preserve the relationship's health and address everyone’s needs, jealousy needs to be treated as a sign to work through something important. By naming and owning the feeling, and recognizing it as an experience rather than the entire truth of a situation, we create space for greater connection

2. Get Specific About Boundaries and Agreements

Clear, negotiated agreements predict higher satisfaction within CNM partnerships. Make boundaries explicit, write them down if helpful. Acknowledge that boundaries can shift and that this is normal. Revisit agreements regularly and as comfort levels evolve. 

3. Balance Time, Energy and Reconnection

Fights about scheduling are usually not just about the calendar. They’re often about feeling important and cared for. The goal isn’t to give every partner the exact same amount of time, but to make sure everyone gets the attention and energy they need to feel valued and secure. After spending time apart, it can also help to be intentional about reconnection so each partner feels close again.

4. Repair, Don't Retreat, After Conflict

Even the best agreements can get broken. Repair is the strongest predictor of long-term stability. It can build resilience and trust and this is the foundation of a secure connection.

When CNM relationships are healthy, they often model exceptional communication skills and emotional literacy because the structure relies on intentional ongoing dialogue about needs, limits and love. By approaching those conversations with curiosity instead of defensiveness, CNM partners can cultivate secure, flexible and deeply connected relationships (Rubel & Bogaert, 2015).

If you’d like to and explore these skills and learn others in a supportive space, join our upcoming online workshop: Building Secure Connections in Consensual Non-Monogamy. Keep an eye out on our website for updates and sign up information.

References

Conley, T. D., Moors, A. C., Matsick, J. L., & Ziegler, A. (2013). The fewer the merrier?: Assessing stigma surrounding consensually non‐monogamous romantic relationships. Analyses of Social Issues and Public Policy (ASAP), 13(1), 1–30. https://doi-org.williamjames.idm.oclc.org/10.1111/j.1530-2415.2012.01286.x

Rubel, A. N., & Bogaert, A. F. (2015). Consensual Nonmonogamy: Psychological Well-Being and Relationship Quality Correlates. Journal of sex research, 52(9), 961–982. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2014.942722

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Lace Campbell, Therapy Intern is a second-year Clinical Mental Health Counseling student at William James College, specializing in Couples and Family Therapy. She is especially passionate about working with couples, parents and individuals from non-traditional family systems, as well as those navigating racial, sexual and gender identity development. Her approach is trauma-informed, culturally responsive and attuned to the intersectional identities clients bring into the room.

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