Creating an Attachment-Friendly Environment

We can all surmise that improving communication and conflict-resolution skills are important elements of creating a healthy relationship. But how do we lay the groundwork that might prevent conflict from taking hold to begin with? If we can create an “attachment-friendly environment” we become more resilient to some of the negative cycles that can take place within relationships. 

What elements does an attachment-friendly environment include?

• Commitment to caring for the security of the relationship

• Partners strive to make each other feel seen, heard, cared for and validated

• Understanding the attachment intention behind negative relationship behaviors (and positive behaviors too!)

• Self-regulation to reduce reactivity to relationship triggers

• Understanding your own relationship triggers and how you’re likely to respond

• Validation and empathy

• Willingness to be vulnerable

• Curiosity and tolerance

In an ideal world, both partners are working on creating an attachment-friendly environment. But one person can initiate change that can make a difference. Since we can only control ourselves, we can prioritize working on our own growth instead of wanting and waiting for our partners to change. 

This concept is taken from the book Secure Love: Create A Relationship that Lasts a Lifetime by Julie Menanno, LMFT. I highly recommend this book for anyone that’s looking to build more security in their relationships!

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Vicky Brandt, LMHC is the owner of Looking Glass Counseling. She has over 14 years of experience working as a psychotherapist, both in private practice and community mental health settings. She has taught as adjunct faculty in the master's programs at Boston College and Lesley University.

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