Regulating in the Presence of Dysregulation

In a relationship, it’s so easy to get dysregulated when the other person is activated. Especially if you happen to be the recipient of the person’s heightened emotions. But if you can manage to stay regulated, you will project a signal of safety which might help the other person co-regulate, and might prevent a negative relationship cycle from taking hold. 

Here are some steps to try in the face of another person’s activation (or your own!):

1. Take a few slow breaths

2. Gently shake out any tightness in your arms, feel them hang heavy

3. Allow your eyes to have a soft focus

4. Unclench your jaw

Try to stay with this for 30-60 seconds, which will send signals of safety to your nervous system. 

Now, try to see them through an attachment lens, understanding that their behavior is a misguided bid for connection. Try to connect to your warmth and compassion. You might choose to stay present and offer some validation or soothing. Or you might choose to take a break and step out of the situation, offering to return later once both of you are more regulated. 

The ability to stay regulated is a quality of secure relating. To learn more, I recommend the book Secure Relating by Sue Marriott and Ann Kelley. 

This month Looking Glass Counseling is pleased to support Justice 4 Housing. Justice 4 Housing empowers survivors of Incarceration to overcome housing discrimination and use their voices to advocate against oppressive systems. They ensure community-based solutions to address the root cause of homelessness and educate Landlords, Public Housing Authorities, and Organizations on the collateral consequences of criminalizing housing.

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Vicky Brandt, LMHC is the owner of Looking Glass Counseling. She has over 14 years of experience working as a psychotherapist, both in private practice and community mental health settings. She has taught as adjunct faculty in the master's programs at Boston College and Lesley University.

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