What is Compromise?

Living with others—whether roommates, friends, partners and/or family members—can be both challenging and rewarding. I have recently come across a few essays that explore the act of living together and the types of compromises you may end up making in doing so. One suggestion these essays focus on is the idea of flexibility and how, when living with others, you may need to “loosen” certain strong preferences—such as décor, how dishes are put away or how common areas are used, among others. One metaphor that arises from these essays is of a “hot house flower,” to this suggestion of flexibility. Hot house flowers are plants (think exotic flowers) grown in a specialized environment (such as a green house) to ensure their growth. The idea of this is that one should not only need a very particular and specialized environment to grow and thrive.

In examining this suggestion further, the point is not that all of one’s preferences should be thrown out, but rather that there are times when compromises are necessary. This is the reality of any relationship—whether or not you live with the other person. What are compromises in relationships? Compromises are not about each person conceding and receiving the short end of their respective desires. Instead, compromises involve each person receiving what is most important to them within the context of the relationship in which the compromise is occurring.

In Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), one of the core frameworks is the idea of holding two opposing truths and finding a middle ground between them. In fact, this is the definition of “dialectical”: that two opposing things can be true, even if they contradict each other. These opposing truths can then create new meanings, solutions and a way forward. This concept is present in skills such as Wise Mind, which can be used to help balance between emotional mind and reasonable mind states. Walking the Middle Path in DBT is about finding and acting on the synthesis of these opposites.

These frameworks and skills echo what compromise means within relationships—that it is about finding new solutions and a path forward amid opposing and conflicting truths, desires and needs. When facing a future relational conflict that requires compromise, whether that is with the people you live with or in other relationships, some questions you can ask yourself (and ideally the other person(s)): What is most important to you? What is most important to the other person? And what is a way forward that balances these priorities? 

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Elissa McDavid is a second-year Clinical Master of Social Work student at Boston College, with a concentration in Mental Health. Elissa has a passion for providing trauma-informed, client-centered and anti-oppressive therapy. She approaches therapy with curiosity and collaboration. Before attending Boston College, she worked at a humanitarian aid organization in Arizona and provided services to immigrants, with a specific focus on serving survivors of violence and torture. 

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