The Stories We Tell Ourselves: What to Do With These Narratives

As humans, our meaning-making systems are both one of the most beautiful and most challenging aspects of the way we operate. On the one hand, without them, it might be difficult to find joy, happiness, purpose or good relationships. On the other hand, the stories we tell ourselves can lead to deep pain, regret, shame, guilt and disappointment. I want to explore here some of the aspects of meaning-making that go awry that lead to unhelpful valuations of ourselves and others as we navigate life. 

Interpretations

Primarily, we have to understand that everything we understand about the world are interpretations. Yes, we are biased people and oftentimes that even means about ourselves and the people closest to us. Sometimes when we are facing particularly difficult circumstances or challenges we can be tempted to be reductive to the point that we believe that we are the problem and begin fusing that with what we believe about ourselves. It can be helpful to remember that we are often not the problem but that the problem is something external to our personhood. 

A few examples: 

• If I struggle to get certain work done I might interpret that I’m not that smart, not very capable or even lazy. Externalizing this would point to possibilities that the type of work I’m doing may not be the most fulfilling for me or that something in my environment has perhaps instilled unfair, too high or unhelpful expectations as something I believe is inherently true about the world.

• If I struggle to complete goals I have set for myself I might interpret this as me being a failure. Functionally this can lead to us missing some of the things that we are actually doing quite well but externalizing this could perhaps lead to us questioning the validity of others’ comments that might be devaluating and, thus, not comments we should base our worth off, it could mean that something in my world or aspirations are leading me to set unrealistic goals for myself, or might lead to re-understanding that when I push myself out of my comfort zone, it might be inherently uncomfortable, difficult and maybe not feel all that great. 

Re-storying who we are in light of all the things coalescing around us is incredibly important but requires us to dissolve the fusion of ourselves as the problem. 

Beliefs that a harsh narrative will help us get what we want

Sometimes the story we tell about ourselves is actually trying to accomplish something. A few examples: 

• If I struggle to get work done, I might try to motivate myself by being overly critical of myself and my capabilities. This will very likely lead to the very opposite thing I’m hoping for and lead to just feeling bad about myself rather than getting me to do what it is I want. 

• If I’m in a relationship with a partner and not feeling loved, cared for or tended to in a way that I want to receive love or care, it might lead to a narrative that our partner does not care or love. In reality, they might have learned through their own developmental process or in their own love languages a different way of expressing or sharing love and care. This does not mean that they do not care, it means I might have to accept that they might show love or care in a different way and I have to learn to look for and receive their expressions of care without expecting them to become a different person for my sake. 

Harsh narratives are rarely actually effective in getting us what we want. Sometimes we have to re-story others in our lives to understand the circumstances they are coming from and who they are as a person. Sometimes we have to re-learn that we ourselves are not machines and are in need of self-compassion and perhaps through gentleness we could learn to give ourselves what we need to be successful rather than trying to extract success from ourselves in unhelpful or even harmful ways. 

If you find yourself steeped in a narrative, you might find it very useful to try to pull yourself apart from the problem and look toward all of the context and conditions that contribute to the problem because it is often more complicated than we might consider.

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Jon Wisdom, LCSW received his Master of Social Work degree, specializing in Trauma and Violence, from Boston University in a dual-degree program where he also received a Master of Divinity. Previously he worked as an interfaith hospital chaplain and holds a masters degree in Spiritual Care. Jon has pursued this integrated learning with the hope of working with queer individuals with religious trauma. As a queer man, he knows this is a complex issue that requires a lot of existential exploration which can be personally challenging.

In practice, Jon prioritizes affirming and patient-centered care. He uses modalities such as Phase Oriented Trauma Treatment, Motivational Interviewing (MI), Solution Focused Therapy, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), narrative approaches, psychodynamics and operates with an anti-oppression framework. His goal as a therapist is to provide space for his clients to come as they are and for them to know that they have inherent worth and value.

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